Rethinking Boundaries from a Somatic Perspective
We hear a lot about boundaries these days—how to set them, how to stick to them, how to make sure others respect them. And while that language is useful (setting limits is part of the work), it can also make boundaries seem like they’re mostly about managing other people.
But boundaries are so much more than that.
Boundaries aren’t just something you say, they’re something you feel. They’re not only about how you relate to others, but also how you relate to yourself. And often, your body knows your boundaries long before your mind does.
So What Is a Boundary, Really?
At its core, a boundary is a limit. It marks the edges of what feels okay for you—emotionally, physically, energetically. It’s how you honor your capacity, your values, your nervous system, and your needs.
Sometimes they’re internal. Sometimes they’re quiet. Sometimes they sound like, "I’m going to take a break from this," or "I don’t have to keep holding this for someone else," or "I’m not going to abandon myself to keep the peace."
In this way, boundaries can be a form of self-preservation.
Boundaries Live in the Body
From a somatic perspective, your body is often the first to signal when a boundary is being approached or crossed. It might not use words, but it speaks through sensations or stress responses like fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. You might notice:
Your shoulders tighten when someone asks you for something you don’t have the capacity to give
Your chest contracts when a conversation starts veering into unsafe territory
You feel drained, foggy, or resentful after a situation where you overrode your own limits
All these sensations are information.
And part of the work is learning to listen to your internal signals instead of overriding them to be agreeable, helpful, or accommodating (although all these responses may make sense given your unique history and background!).
Why Boundaries Can Feel So Hard
If boundaries are so vital, why are they so hard to set?
Because many of us weren’t taught that our needs mattered. Because conflict feels scary or unfamiliar. Because people-pleasing helped us feel safe or connected once. Because our worth got tangled up in how easy we were to love or how much we could tolerate.
For a lot of us, especially those with trauma histories, setting boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt, fear, or even shame. So, if it’s hard for you, it’s not a character flaw. It’s your nervous system following the most familiar path (or path of least resistance) while doing its best to stay safe.
Unlearning the Myths About Boundaries
We all carry stories about what boundaries mean—many of them shaped by family dynamics, culture, or survival strategies we learned early on. And often, those stories aren’t exactly helpful. They can sound like guilt, fear, or the belief that having needs makes us selfish.
Since we’ve already identified what boundaries are, let’s also take a moment to name what they aren’t:
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums. They’re not threats or power plays. They’re a way of saying, “This is what I need to feel safe, present, and connected.”
They’re not about controlling others. Boundaries aren’t about forcing someone else to change. They’re about getting clear on your limits and what you’re willing to be part of.
They’re not unkind. Setting a boundary can feel uncomfortable—especially if you’re used to self-sacrificing—but honoring your limits is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and others.
They don’t have to come with a big announcement. Boundaries can be quiet. A shift in how you show up. A change in how much energy you give. A simple “not today.”
They’re not a one-time thing. Boundaries evolve. What you need today might be different a year from now or even tomorrow—and that’s okay.
An Invitation Back to Yourself
By now, you might be noticing just how much complexity we carry around boundaries—how our families, culture, or past experiences have shaped the stories we hold about what they mean.
When we approach boundaries from a somatic perspective, they become less about rules or limits and more about relationship—specifically, your relationship with yourself. They become a way of tuning into your body’s signals, staying with your own experience, and honoring your needs.
What if boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, but about staying rooted in yourself?
What if they’re not something to apologize for, but something to build from?
What if instead of pushing through discomfort, you slowed down and asked:
What feels off in my body right now?
What do I need more of—or less of—in this moment?
What’s mine to hold? What’s not?
These aren’t questions you have to rush to answer. But when you give them space, you start to build a deeper, embodied sense of what’s okay for you and what’s not.
You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to get curious, and your body will guide you from there.
Ready to Create a Life That Feels More Aligned?
If you’re tired of feeling overextended, unclear, or out of sync with yourself, therapy can offer space to reconnect with your internal signals—and begin honoring them.
Whether you’re navigating burnout, relationship patterns, or just wanting to better understand where your boundaries begin and end, I’d love to support you.